Cutting Into the Memory Hole — Jean Marie Casbarian

Cutting Into the Memory Hole (text)
Performance lecture for the symposium Sites & Citations of Memory,
organized by Karen Koehler and Mary Russo, Hampshire College, Spring 2007

January 15

This is I feel very

still. Calm storm

The world is crisis

Infected with . The threat

so close. So senseless. I don't

understand race carries

frustration anger. It is

sad—pitiful—absurd-- --nonsensical—

wasteful

Something terrible in

order . on all levels

And so it must be

. In to we

must confront / go through the pain .

I had an experience last week that I

was going to die. To die

. wave of consciousness

my being—telling me .

it's time

I'm

strong and willing. Although a bit fearful.

January 18

War broke out 2 days ago. In the late

afternoon, around 5:30, I heard the news

while . I overwhelmed

with Adrian's chances

are considerably weakened.

I don't understand .

The past days I've so

paralyzed. Hard to

sleep at night—wondering

child. I've been trying to yet

paralyzed that

that for me to do

The media is running rampant. Creating

so much fear and anxiety all

of us—we take it to the streets

It's as though

the whole world has gone mad

Adrian

Bring him home safe

world

everyone to go through

pain move beyond

learn?

January 21

5:10pm Atlanta

A wave has in the last

7 days. I sit here in my --it

brings so many memories --sometimes

I think I'm looking through one of those nickel

movie where the film speeds

by you're turning the crank—

and you can stop it look—

really look—closely. It's my mother's bedroom—

house – smell – chaos. Clothes

the mirror above the dresser

finger smudges that it's hard to make out

a reflection. Her

made out of plastic. There is a lack of

respect for . They just don’t matter—

Are unimportant I guess. She is

essence of my mother. I feel as though

in time. Maybe this

is why I feel among the

I've grown away . Indeed I'm

the rest. But it is a one.

This was—IS my . I used to

for many . How strange.

How . I feel for Carol so much.

Her loss is something I don't know if I could

in her calm . She has

always been that way. Able to stay calm

always—even through the death of one of

the most precious . She has

who her. She

is to them. I don't know if I could

say the same thing for myself.

march 18th 5:30

It snows outside. Small flakes thick

to fog. I walk this morning

Dianne we might .

There is something walking

a park like this.

Awoke sounds voices on the radio.

Bosnia is burning. I didn't catch it . Only

that fires. What does

have? I do not understand.

I don't feel do. I don't know

Do.

December 7th

Floating in water

Face slightly not there

Face almost not there

Buried the sea

Time travel and is

Barely

Barely it's there

Sounds

Everyone around

No sounds

Finds hot water

To the water

Young man

Floats her

And wondering

She's a concrete sea

Amniotic glass

Timeless time

Carried back

Don't stop the float

The sound of muffled nothing

Drain plugged ear drums

And you try to make sense of something that you can't make sense of.

Young man floats and

And reappears he tries

He tries he drink

You in

April 1st

I close my see him

there. Long thick hair. Honey blond

did he call it?

Close my

and touch his . lips so

as to get lost in the bearded chin.

picture that he my

Kisses my . Takes my into

his. Makes my .

awkward I feel I breathe him in

. uncertain .

and yet

something is in the silence between the

words.

He travels in out my mind like

behind my eyes. And a

memory of a finger gently down my

. while I long touch

January 22nd

The threat of war .

I'm a bit more grounded – I think

a lot to do my fear

I can listen a bit more without

Yesterday captured men –

Made me . I don't understand.

Why do it . Blood and

shed. so much blood and tears.

I said goodbye to this assuring

her her. Each day begins

with if it

Tired of . I wish we could

My and I

possibly tomorrow my . Gina

. She's been in my mouth

knows it pretty well.

July 1

I am exactly I am .

I did not mean

The corridor was round and

. The faces with so many going

around and corridor.

. I did not mean to leave you there.

The doctor said I should.

I have to go home soon.

It won't be you will see.

The faces pass by in their rolling

wheel chairs. They go around and

the round corridor.

Let me step into . I

must. . You must not see

that flow for you.

. I did not

They said it would be .

Cold water on my face feels good.

I turn I see you

in you . Next to the

aviary. Aren't you glad I found

birds mom? I know you love

November 29,

Some something

set off the trigger that

M does something that brings a memory of .

And times when M does

He becomes . The way he his

snoring is identical. Motion, word,

manner is I'm . I run away.

I don't want to , so I go somewhere

to be alone. His The way he

there with his crossed his

And his in protection

of his penis. Holding his penis. So

I can that he's not

Two distinct

people. I would to that

is in this world is

like me. It's so to me to be

even are not exactly

They are with different different

Is it that I really have

For to be .

You are like my , I can't

it. Gives me the

Well, I'm not and I wish

you'd stop saying that.

I can't help

feeling like this. I

I could who

you are. Above my and

see the in . I think

that you say me

That off this feeling

? Tell me about it --

It's to me that I

December 6

When of and

, I see myself and He was always

looking away and I always . ALWAYS

I remember he took me to the

downtown. It was the sword . We

took the train and I remember how awkward

I . He read the newspaper.

A word . And I stared out at the

clothes lines and thought about

. Did they feel as ? It

was almost like he was doing this because

It was just as

this photograph. I had been angry at him.

I was uncomfortable with my . I wanted

to go home. I hated the , I hated

the smell of , I hated filth

of the buildings , I hated him

for making . And I don't know why

he did. He hated it as much as I did.